WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE!
No parents should have to sign two post mortem forms within 7 months, actually no one should ever have to sign that form! We were offered the ‘post mortem booklet and we told the consultant that we already had a copy and knew all about it! .. this is not a booklet that anyone should have to read! What the fuck has happened to our lives in the last 7 months?
Mim has summed up the death of our second boy, Bhai at 18 week so well. When Lenny died we lost our healthy full term boy who should be here, when Bhai died we lost our boy who very well could have been here. We have lost that sense of hope for our future. Maybe that will change but for now we feel alone and helpless. We are now having to adjust to a new normal for a second time in 7 months, it is an absolute mind Fuck!
Losing Lenny and Bhai has a probability of around 1 in a million. Our lives are yet again so unbelievably far from normal is completely unimaginable. I write this Blog less than a week after Bhai’s death. We are still in complete shock. Our lives feel like an abstract dream that we are the observers of. We are back to taking a day at a time.. which is complete bullshit… We shouldn’t have to!
Honestly the world is a fucked up place, we had gotten to a stage of living our ‘new normal’ with Lenny as a part our lives, we are now yet again having to adjust to another horrific situation. There is only so much the human mind can take before it snaps, so to say ‘adjust to a new normal’ is an absolute fucking insult! All we are doing is surviving, not because we are strong, but because there are only two options: survive or not, and we’ve come this far I ain’t giving up now you absolute shit bag of a world…. People say they are praying for us or that things happen for a reason but whilst I respect others’ beliefs it sickens me to think that people believe there is any sort of justification for this.
There is only one God in my world, she is the one that gave birth to both my beautiful sons. I could not be more proud of the absolutely astonishing woman that I married 10 years ago, and the mother to my boys. She faces fear with courage and compassion – for her to leave the hospital with empty arms yet again, my heart bleeds for her – but she still manages to smile and make me laugh. In one of the most challenging times she is able to make selfless decisions, She came up with the idea of donating our baby’s body to Medical Science! She blew me away! I didn’t even think about doing this, but she carries the compassion and love for medical staff, other mum’s and society, to help make child loss less likely for others in the future. My love for Mim, has not only grown, but has become completely unstoppable.
Two days after Bhai’s death we attended a SANDS group support meeting. The group are lovely and so so supportive, we attended last month, and felt like people could understand our situation. But this month we felt so isolated, our situation is so unlikely that no one can ever understand, and to be honest I don’t want others to understand. Even though all people say is that they are there for us which is so kind and important for us to know, we unfortunately stand alone in this abyss of grief.
So in summary,
Part of me doesn’t just want my new ‘new normal’ to sod off, but I actually want the world and everyone to sod off!
The other part will live with this for the rest of my live. We will make Lenny’s Legacy charity work, in memory of both of our sons, And I wont rest until I’ve made a difference.
I don’t yet know which part will win!